The sun always rises

An intimate look into my mind, glimmers from the week of February 2nd & dopamine menu for getting out of a slump

Maybe it’s the overcast weather, the stress of our move catching up to me, or learning to live life without Violet as she recovers from her injury, but cultivating a sense of wonder for this week’s Glimmers has not come naturally. If I’m being honest, I’ve been feeling a bit listless, and a little grey. Something that, in a past life, would have certainly sent me into a spiral of self loathing.

If you know me IRL, then you know it’s no secret that I have a long and complicated relationship my mental health. For years I saw my melancholy as an inescapable fate. My mind a wild horse unwilling to be broken, racing through the highs and lows that set in as unpredictably as a summer storm.

Not one to back down from a challenge, I devoured podcasts and self help books and attended hundreds of hours of therapy with the devotion of a saint. Seeing the obstinance of my emotions a sign of a fundamental flaw, my repair became my religion as I scoured the earth for the missing piece that would finally “fix” me.

Spoiler Alert: I didn’t need fixing.

Ugh annoying! I know.

but I didn’t.

And if if you found yourself recoiling at that statement even a little, neither do you.

In a culture that constantly tells us that we should be doing, consuming, and accomplishing, more, how could we not see ourselves as a problem that needs to be fixed. Feeling lonely? Well you probably shouldn’t have left your friends on read. Didn’t get the promotion at work? You could have worked harder! Struggling to lose weight? You should be more disciplined! How can you be sad when there are so many people who would kill to be in your shoes? You should be more grateful.

And as I sit to document the wonders of the week, I’m filled with this unwavering feeling that today I should be happy. And if I should be happy, what does this somber state say about me? That I want less? That I’m weak? Uncapable? Less valuable?

I don’t think so.

Rather than a reflection of who I am, it seems it’s more of a reflection of what I need. My lows are not so much of an enemy as they are a divine gift. Rather than proof of some innate flaw in my character, it is my body screaming at me to pay attention. A message that I had been sending to voicemail for weeks while whipping around in a constant flurry of responsibilities and “shoulds”. It’s calling me to slow down. The aspirational way that I am living is not sustainable. Until I’ve properly tended to the internal, it will not let me relish in the wonder of the external.

My body and mind are not the enemy. Rather they are friends that care for me so much, that they are willing to stop the world to make sure that I hear their needs loud and clear. How amazing is that?

When we first arrived in Colorado, every time I stepped outside I felt my breath catch in my throat a bit as I stood in complete awe of the surrounding mountains. As I took in their beauty, I wondered aloud, “Do you think the people who live here are just used to this? Or do you think they still hold the same reverence for the mountains that we are right now?”

And while I’m sure some appreciation for their natural beauty remains, I can’t help but think that this sense of childlike wonder fades as you’re exposed to it over time. After all, magic by definition, is the delight of something seemingly removed from everyday life. I wonder if that’s another message that my lows are trying to teach me: Pay attention.

Although I began “glimmer hunting” in 2017 out of a love of these details, the practice was also born out of necessity. A way for me to focus my attention, if even for a moment, on something good during the seasons when everything otherwise felt quite listless. The act of noticing, even when things are glum, has brought me back home to myself time and time again. Tethering me to the truth: That this life is a gift, and maybe the grey is as well.

Credit: Pinterest

There will be days when I wake up crippled by a wet blanket of dread that makes brushing my teeth, and drinking water, and eating anything other than frozen pizza feel much too heavy.

There will be days when, try as I might, I cannot find delight in the golden afternoon sun pouring through my living room window, and a juicy, phat, summer heirloom tomato is just a vegetable (fruit?).

And I think that’s okay.

Because there will also be days when this ordinary garden vegetable suddenly transforms into a wet, juicy, deep red gift of summer itself.

And those days?

So for now, I’m done bullying myself into a good mood. Instead, I’m choosing to listen. Pay attention. Engage with the grey - what do I need? What is it you are trying to tell me?

Today, it seems I need to rest. To give myself permission to just be. Listen to music that makes me happy. Eat the bread. Put down my phone & stop, for the love of God, scrolling myself into oblivion. Play. And probably most importantly, give myself the space to be honest. Showing up in my life and on the page as I am, without the pressure of coming off as ungrateful or feeling guilty that I’m not taking advantage of every second of every day like I should. After all, this journey is a marathon, not a sprint; One that I am grateful to be a part of.

Some days we need glimmers more than others. Here are some of mine:

My first time visiting Rocky Mountain National Park: Never have I felt as small and blissfully insignificant as I did driving through the Rocky Mountains. No photo can ever do justice the towering, mystical, wisdom of how this great earth dwarfs everything in its midst. As I looked around, I was humbled by the awareness that these mountains have been here since the beginning of time, holding the secrets and wisdom of generations. Their quiet strength calling us to question: What does it look like to live a life well lived?

Tree roots tangled and twisted, wrapping their legs through shallow dirt and over unforgiving rocky soil. How resilient they are! Teeming with life against all odds!

Curious little deer, who have learned no reason to be afraid, trusting openly and moving freely. Living exactly as they need to be.

And in case anyone else finds themselves in a midweek slump, here are a few things I keep handy on my “Dopamine Menu” to help bring me back home.

• Movement first thing in the morning. Feel the sun on your face. Even if you hate it, it’s a step in the right direction. If you want, you can even tell yourself, “this is dumb. Everything is pointless” with every step you take. That might actually make you feel quite good. Sometimes there is nothing more satisfying than a little self indulgence.

• Hot and sweaty yoga with a good playlist to get you out of your head for just a little while (The Sunroom, The Space Between and Yoga 2.0 for my Chicago Girlies)

• Make a list of everything that you hate or everything that is going wrong or everything that is bouncing around in your head. Just get it out. Come back to it in a day or so and more often than not you will realize things are not as bleak as they once seemed.

• Talk to yourself as if you were a young child that you loved very dearly. Write yourself a “Letter from Love”. Often you will hear the words that you most needed.

• Give yourself permission to rot. Sometimes that is genuinely what you need. And do it fully, unashamedly, without any “I should be xyz”. That ruins the whole thing. Rot it out. Do what you need to do. Rest. And then re-evaluate from there.

• Try and love the tired/scared part of yourself that has put you in this funk. It’s only trying to protect you <3

• Ask yourself, what do you need? What would make you happy, less uncomfortable, more at peace, more in line with who you are? Take a moment to listen to yourself, and then do the thing. Especially if it’s not exactly practical. “If you look at nature, anything that is giving more than it is receiving is dying”. You need to take care of yourself just as much as you do everyone else. Remember that.

• Catch up with a friend that you can be your most dull, rotten self with - That last part is key. No performing or false positivity allowed here. That’s how you got yourself in this slump in the first place. And I’m not saying you have to be Eeyore the entire time. But spending time in the presence of a person who can just let you be as you are is an incredible gift.

• Go laugh at something. A comedy special, YouTube Videos, live show, your dog, whatever you want. Just laugh.

• Annoying alert, but have you drank any water today? Are you taking care of yourself? I know it’s hard. It’s SO HARD when you feel like a blob and you can’t be bothered to brush your teeth or get out of bed, but I usually end up getting in these states because I’m not taking care of myself mentally or physically and unfortunately coffee does not count.

• See the good. But let me be very clear, that does not mean “erasing” the bad by bullying yourself with toxic positivity. But for every bad thought (i.e. “I have no friends and everyone hates me”), try and channel your inner investigative reporter and go searching for a piece of evidence that states otherwise.

• Cut back on the screentime. Another annoying one I know!! But my default mode is to just zone out and scroll, scroll, scroll… because it’s just sooo much easier than dealing with what’s going on inside. I’m not saying you need to cut it cold turkey, but try taking a time out for literally just 30 minutes to sit with yourself and curious about what you’re feeling. Sometimes just the awareness of what’s going on can take away some of it’s power.

Do you have any practices that help guide you back home to yourself? What are your favorite ways to rest?

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And this goes without saying, but I am not a mental health professional and this post is meant only to be an honest reflection of my own life and should not be treated as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always consult with a qualified health/mental health professional with any questions or concerns.