Issue #03: The Space Between

“I will never have this version of me again let me slow down and be with her - always evolving” - Rupi Kaur

🎥 A Real Pain: You guys. This movie. It just may be one of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen. Two cousins set off on a trip to Poland to honor their late grandmother. Funny and sincere, the film does an incredible job examining the complicated dance between connection and vulnerability, and will leave you thinking about it’s messages long after the credits roll. I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but if you’ve seen this or end up watching it, let me know. I have so many thoughts that I’d love to discuss.

🎧 How to be More Alive with Cole Arthur Riley, We Can Do Hard Things Podcast: A contemplative conversation with Cole Arthur Riley on her book “This Here Flesh”, examining our capacity for rest, wonder, joy, rage and repair and left me feeling more embodied after listening.

✨ wild geese, morning sun & the perfect bowl of meatballs

Credit: Pinterest

As a young child who dreamed of one day becoming a marine biologist, I developed an enthusiastic preoccupation with sharks. Enthralled by their tenacity¹ and terrifying beauty, I would spend hours researching different species and making my own “shark books” with print out photos and discovered knowledge that I’d proudly share with whoever would listen.

While not true of all species, many of the most iconic sharks (think: Great Whites, Hammer Heads, Whale Sharks, etc.) must remain in a constant state of motion to maintain the steady flow of oxygen rich water through their gills needed to survive. Put simply, stop swimming and they will drown.

Like the Great White, I have a very difficult time sitting still. I like to be doing. Always feeling like there’s something more. More to be learning, thinking, reading, experiencing, a constant buzzing in my ear to drown out even the slightest sense of discomfort. Just keep swimming. And with scarcely a spare weekend to myself, a Spotify Wrapped that bragged over 100,000 minutes of listening each year and nights spent scrolling myself into the oblivion, I certainly tried my best - white-knuckling my way through to the very end.

Before we moved out of our Avondale apartment to the suburbs, our last few weeks of “city living” were marked by a steady stream of activities and demands that left me running on fumes. Despite once thriving in a state of chaos, the past few years spent focused on regulating my nervous system had given me an awareness of needing to slow down but also no idea how to execute this without running away, shutting the blinds and closing out the world in the name of self preservation. Rather than confidently assert myself and my needs, I instead spent our remaining time yearning for solitude and counting down the days until I could go off the grid and recoup where complete and utter blissful freedom was mine for the taking.

And it was.

For about 2 weeks…

And then I was lonely,

And then I was homesick.

Brussels, Belgium shot on Portra 400, 55mm

I missed the buzzing ecosystem of the city, writhing along to the beat of a million of individuals making their way through their day, their energy inviting passersby to be a part of something just by simply being. I yearned for my things. The familiar objects and comforts that made my home, my home. That carried me through apartments and relationships and so many different seasons of my life. But more than that, I missed the ease with which they both allowed me to tune out of my inner frequency. Because when the energy of the city is injecting you with life, you never have to generate that same source of energy on your own. When you’re surrounded by totems of moments and memories that tether you to your sense of self, you never have do the work of finding that same sort of anchor within.

When you spend a lifetime running away from discomfort and after idealized versions of yourself, the silence and uncertainty of stillness can be deafening. I had thought I was moving in the direction of freedom without ever stopping long enough to realize that true freedom requires you run towards yourself, not away, to receive it.

These past 5 months have been spent in limbo, not quite where I want to be, and not quite where I was before. Examining parts of myself previously unexplored. Sitting in moments of anxiety and discomfort and engaging with the fear - What are you trying to teach me? Engaging with the voices of my inner critic - Do I really want this? Or do I just think that I should?

It’s been excruciating.

It’s set me free.

What I thought would certainly be the death of me, injected a breath of life back into my lungs that I didn’t even know was missing. Rather than drowning in the swirling sea of uncertainty I’ve been trying to outswim my entire life, I’ve found the space and clarity to steady the boat long enough to meet myself where I’m at and find the internal sense of direction needed to guide me towards what I was made for.

Although it took a few months of resistance, I’m now starting to find a sense of wonder in the waiting, because with it comes a searingly sharp realization that this moment cannot last. It demands that we pay attention to the mystical lack of permeance all around us. Found in the uneasy optimism in the moments spent waiting for test results. The breath that catches in your throat before a first kiss and the timid and tender “I really like you”s before someone musters up the courage to say those three little words. It’s in the seasick feeling of being both happy and sad at the same time, and in sitting in the awareness of what an absolute gift it is to have this moment because we will never meet her again.

I want my life to be beautiful. I want it to be sweet. To taste it. Experience it. Fingers sticky with citrus running down my wrists. The sun a slow burn on my skin. I want to scream! Out loud! Without abandon! Carefree dancing in the rain while laughing boldly in the face of the storm. A giant collective exhale. Sealing our practice. Marking this moment in time. Tongue out. Lions breath. Feeling silly but doing it anyway. I want to live. To be here. Now. I want to exist. Be seen. Understood. Loved.

This awareness has become almost a sort of meditation these past few weeks: Look at everything around you. Delight in it! You are growing! None of this will be the same in a year! Take a million snapshots in your mind and really get to know this version of yourself because she is someone that you are very lucky to know.

Are you loving her well?

Are you listening?

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Thanks for reading Sincerely, Soph. If you’d like to follow along on our adventure, subscribe below. Anything you want covered? Questions? Reply to this email or leave a comment to let me know :)

1. Fun Fact: Sharks are one of the few species that have survived all five mass extinctions. Talk about resilience!