a beautiful breaking

something in me has cracked open

a beautiful breaking

something in me has cracked open. 
like an eggshell
or raw nerve exposed
everything hurts.
everything is heavy.

the slightest shift in temperature shoots
searing sensation into my veins
while I'm used to the novacane.

numbed out and
blissfully unaware
of what lies beneath
the murky waters of my mind.

a curtain has lifted
shattering this glass castle
I've long called home.
edges sharp.
ragged and raw.
emotions
from what feel like
a lifetime ago
lay scattered about
as I stand
dustpan in hand
alone
to pick up the pieces.

I want my life to be beautiful.
I want it to be sweet.
to taste it.
experience it.
fingers sticky with citrus running down my wrists.
the sun a slow burn on my skin.
I want to scream!
out loud!
without abandon!
carefree
dancing in the rain
while laughing in the face of
the storm.

a giant collective exhale
sealing our practice
marking this moment in time.
tongue out.
lions breath.
feeling silly but doing it anyway.

I want to live.
to be here.
now.

I want to exist.
be seen.
understood.
known.
loved.

I am here.

I am hurting.

life is still beautiful.

there is still so much time.

this poignant reality is mine.